Bong-a-Longs®

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

If you look at my very first post, I said, "I have to be honest here, this treat was originally done with Oreos and peanut butter which literally tastes like a Girl Scout cookie that is probably sitting on the drawing board, but all I had were these cookies in the house." And since it was my first post, I, along with every other stoner who never followed through on an idea, never really thought I would actually make it to #26.

So, now that I have been on a pretty good pace, I thought it was time to actually post the High Satisfaction that started it all. The aforementioned Girl Scout Cookie this tastes like are Tagalongs®, which is some combination of chocolate and peanut butter. Some Girl Scout 50 years ago holding a chocolate bar bumped into a Brownie holding a jar of peanut butter and, well, you know the rest. But as you know, GS cookies are not only expensive, they are hard to find. So this is how you can recreate these at home and impress all the chicks hanging out at your house, saying, "awwww myyy god, I was a Girl Scout!"

In order to make these look nice and pretty, I took the cookies apart, so I could have two creamy sides to make my sandwich, but what I do when I'm alone during commercial breaks for Discovery's How the Earth Was Made, I'll just dip the cookies into the peanut butter. But if you have company, I would recommend making mini cookies.

These are SO rich and delicious, as is everything else on this site, but these are out of hand. You might have to start eating these at 4:18.

Great Balls of Fire!

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Goodness gracious these are good. I think this might actually wake Jerry Lee Lewis from the dead and get him to write a few more hits, not to mention he'll have a few more cousins to mack on. Assuming Jerry Lee Lewis is a fan of jelly donuts of course. And not THE "Jelly Donut," but an actual jelly donut.

If you haven't noticed by now, I'm one of those people who need ALL flavors with each bite (see Mac n' Cheese Hot Dog below), and sometimes when I get a jelly donut I will take a few bites before I get a gush of jelly in my mouth. That sounds totally horrendous, but please stay with me. Basically the person at the Bust a Nut Donuts isn't exactly shooting with pin-point accuracy and there is always one cavern overstuffed with red goo. And then what happens? That's right, one bite and it's all over your pants.

Which brings us to my latest creation, donut holes with raspberry jelly dripped all over it. It's like a reverse jelly donut. And the beauty of it is you get glazed donut AND jelly with every... single...delicious... bite!

Donette Make My Brown Eyes Blue

Photo and Submission by: Selma Nilla

Crystal Gayle is no Linda Ronstadt, and Donettes are no Krispy Kremes. But, they are the B teams you go to when the donut shops are closed and you've accidentally left your Ronstadt 8-track in your friend Barb's El Camino. Feeble attempts to satisfy what your soul really craves. Here is a way to kick your Donette's up a notch:

Add some whipped cream to the eye of the Donette and top with blueberries.

Here's another Donette quick tip. If you want to next-level a pair of dark jeans, try eating some powdered Donettes while driving. The powder will drop on your lap and when you try to brush it off it will make your jeans appear to be acid washed. Pretty Good.

Pirate's Booty-Liscious!

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

You all know what Pirate's Booty is, right? It's not exactly popcorn, but it looks like it. The texture is different and tastes pretty wonderful all by itself. But, one night I was munching on this stuff and decided to make my own caramel corn. Caramel corn is usually crunchy and sometimes I don't want the hardcore crunch, which is what makes this perfect.

I literally was taking one, dipping it in the caramel jar and almost passing out each time. These are frighteningly good. So I took a few, dipped em, and realized quickly that i was getting to low in the jar so I had think fast. Ah, put them in a bowl, pour the caramel on top and eat them with chopsticks. Seriously, caramel sticks to your fingers like there's no tomorrow. Haha. That actually sounds ridiculous. Sketch Johanson, couch, How It's Made on the Science Channel, eating Pirate's Booty doused in caramel sauce with chopsticks. Classy dude. Seriously, claaaaassy.

Wiener Love - A Valentine's Day Special

Photo and Submission by: Selma Nilla

Valentine's day is all about hearts and wieners, so what better way to celebrate than with a plate of Wiener Love. I'm going to forgo all the wiener-in-the-mouth silliness I could get into here and keep this one simple because I have a Charlie Brown special to watch.

Tempering your candy intake with some salty delights on VD is a great way to reset your palate before diving into that second layer of your two-tier Whitman's box.

First cut tortillas into the shape of hearts, you can use scissors for this, and warm them. Next, slice up and heat up some wiener rounds and top with some Easy Cheese or the generic, yet still surprisingly pricey, Quick Cheese.

These little fuckers are delightful!

Turkey, Egg, Cheese and Other Stuff Sandwich

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

I have no idea why it took me twenty posts to shoot this one, but it did. If I opened a breakfast spot, this would be the only thing I would sell. I can make all sorts of food, but for some reason, nothing I make even comes close to how good this sandwich tastes. Well, Oreos with peanut butter actually comes close, but that's a different story.

Anyway, this one requires an open flame, so I apologize if you burn yourself or overcook it, but I have made so many of these I can do it with my eyes closed. I use the best bread ever, HealthNut, plus All-White Egg Whites, sliced turkey breast, cheddar cheese, fresh tomatoes, spicy mustard and mayo. When it's all heated up and melty, it's just insane. As that kooky dude from Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives says, "There an orchestra in my mouth and no one is taking a solo."

But in all honesty, I don't care how hungry you are, this will satisfy whatever beast you have growling at your doorstep. I suggest you stick some bottles on your hands, cling 'em a few times and say, "Waaaariors, come out to plaaaayaaayyyy."

Super Bowl Hors D'ouvres: Turkey, Cheese and Mustard on a Triscuit

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

If you're like me, you pretty much watch the Super Bowl just so you can take out the 3-footer, aka, Big Billy McGee, whenever the clock stops at 4:20. But this actually turned out to pretty good game. When whatshisname threw the thingy to so and so and he scored some points. That was truly amazing.

I was watching with a few friends and had to come up with some food ideas since we were, you know, hungry. I didn't have any pigs in a blanket, nachos, chips and dip, pizza bites, BBQ wings, quiche squares, deviled eggs, artichoke dip, Pawtucket chili, or whatever else those jock-types eat during the big game, so I had to made due.

What did I have? Triscuits, turkey, mustard and cheese. I figured out a way to put them together in a way that felt kinda sporty. And it fulfilled all the party-esque food characteristics like eat with your hands, um, I think that's about it, right?

Anyway, the next time you have a party, you can use this one. You can call them Sketchwiches.

Teddy Graham Tar Pits

Photo and Submission by: Selma Nilla

Teddy Grahams, who can control them? These fuckin' guys are always looking for trouble. The graham in them makes them seem dry but because they're close cousins to the gummy bear they have a penchant for sticky situations.

I remember hearing about this one Teddy Graham on Teddy Land, the online home for Teddy Grahams, who went to put his shoes on and they didn't fit. Pretty fucked right? So he's like, "What the fuck Mom?" and they head to the store to get more shoes. But get this, they stop at the park on the way there THEN go to the store. Ain't that some shit? Adventures man, you know.

Anyways, they have some really good stories under "story time" on Teddy Land, the online home for Teddy Grahams.

If I were to write a story, it would be about the Teddy Grahams crashing their chopper while running embargoed cinnamon sticks out of Bangladad. While trying to find their way back to the shoreline they happen upon some chocolate cake mix tar pits where half the men are lost to the munchies.

Bring this story to life. You already have cake mix in your pantry but don't want to wait for it to bake. Take the chocolate cake mix and dip some Teddy Grahams in it. Chocolate Grahams taste sensational!

Nilla Wafer, Chocolate Frosting and Caramel Sliders

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

All I can say is, sinister. I really don't know how else to describe this latest creation, which just happens to resemble little pulled-pork sliders. I ate one while I was making the dish and felt like I needed to go to confession for my sins. I actually looked around to see if Satan was there giving me a thumbs up and a wink. It's seriously that good.

This was an idea given to me by a friend. People are now aware of the fact that I'm doing this blog and I'm getting dope suggestions left and right. My friend Billy Shenanigans told me something about cake frosting, Nilla Wafers, something else and something else, but when I was at the grocery store I couldn't remember it all. So I got Nilla Wafers, chocolate cake frosting and hot caramel sauce. I later found out it was supposed to be vanilla frosting and raspberry sauce or something, so I wasn't even close. Sorry Billy.

But yeah, these things are straight-up crazy. The best thing is, and I can attest to this personally, is when you have "extra" cake frosting sitting around you can pretty much dip anything in the tub and it will immediately put you in the Devil's La-Z-Boy for a few minutes. Last night I used Oreos to scoop out the frosting and almost fainted after finishing off an entire row. If Food Network signed a contract with the Devil to stay on air, this dish would be on the first episode under the new management.

Abres de Fair Griller dans Lac de Magie! (Trees of Toast in a Lake of Magic)

Photo and Submission by: Selma Nilla

Every couple years I remember Magic Shell exists and suddenly God's glorious sun shines a little brighter. But with such highs are the counterbalancing lows and there is no bigger boner killer than getting a bottle of Magic Shell home only to find the Magic has died.

From my experience 2 out of 3 bottles have gone wrong. Whether it's congealed to super thick consistency or separated leaving a clear weirdness on top, and who knows what's on bottom, probably from shipping and storing in a range of temperatures. Magic Shell is a volatile substance. I think it's like a 5.0 on the Pauling Scale or something (that's a funny joke for those who kinda know what I'm talking about and an even funnier joke for those that know I have no idea what I'm talking about). My point is, like plutonium, Magic Shell should be respected when shipped and handled and until grocers realize this, buying a bottle is going to be a roll of the dice.

If you do get a good bottle and have run out of ice cream or just want to next-level the Magic, try this frozen Ego French Toast Strips dipped in Magic Shell. Awesome!

Peanut Butter Sandwich for Breakfast

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

This is our first reader-submitted treat, and it's a good one. I got an email from Austin that went as follows:
_____________________
I have a creation that fits in with the style of your blog, I think. I was wondering if you'd like to post it, since I and all of my friends think it's awesome. I call it: Peanut Butter Sandwich for Breakfast

This creation is especially good for wake-n-bakes. Pour Cheerios in a bowl. Spoon a couple gobs of peanut butter on them. Throw it in the microwave for about a minute and a half. Mix. Consume. It is delicious!
_____________________

One, I love peanut butter. Two, I love Cheerios (in this case I used Honey Nut Cheerios). Put them together and it's almost not even fair to your taste buds. The melted peanut butter soaks into the Cheerios and it creates a cereal like Peanut Butter Crunch, except it'll help lower your cholesterol, which makes this High Satisfaction approved by the American Heart Association!

White Girl Nachos

Photo and Submission by: Selma Nilla

I'm not much of a stoner. I always seem to lock my keys in my car the following day which ends up being more trouble than it's worth. I have however been known to eat like a stoner. I'm also impoverished and can't afford drug luxuries or glamorous things like Go-Gurts and all that crazy shit they are doing with pizzas now days.

PMS, a pitiful pantry, an empty wallet and a clear head has given way to some genius concoctions over the years and here is one of them: White Girl Nachos or Honky Nachos.

These are similar to regular nachos but made with in-gringo-ents (sorry) like saltine crackers (the cracker's cracker) and Philadelphia cream cheese.

Take the cracker's cracker, spread cream cheese and then top with salsa. Next eat, digest and make more in 40 minutes when the intense desire to eat comes back.

They are really yummy and not too bad for you.

Kettle Corn, Cheddar Cheese and Hot Sauce

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Happy New Year everyone! I usually make a few resolutions but I either forget them the next day or just think that I shouldn't bother because, well, I'm pretty much perfect. I guess the one I could make for 2008, er, 2009, is to post more often. When I was unemployed I was on a roll, but then I got a job, the time changed and I never have daylight to shoot. Believe it or not, these are all shot on my living room floor. Nice studio, eh?

So I've been thinking about popcorn recipes for a while now and I just haven't been inspired. I was mulling around the idea of a popcorn quesadilla, but I am really trying to stay away from stoves and ovens, so a real quesadilla is out of the question (don't quote me on that as I am sure that rule is bound to change). So what else? Popcorn with chocolate and ice cream doesn't sound too good either. Then it dawned on me: cheese! I love cheese, especially melted cheese. And popcorn is a nice texture for absorbing pretty much any flavor, like a Jelly Bean. It turned out to be a good meal for one, especially after adding the hot sauce. I can't even begin to compare this to another dish, but it's quick and easy and you have to eat it with a big spoon.

Brown Sugar Pop-Tart Ice Cream Sandwich

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

As my man over at StonerCulture.com pointed out, yes, I have a penchant for chocolate and ice cream. But the deal with all my creations is they are meant to satisfy the sweet tooth and make you full. It's almost a burden to have the munchies, as you're often left feeling guilty and unsatisfied, like after watching a Keanu Reeves movie.

So this one is really simple. I absolutely love brown sugar Pop-Tarts. I will reach for those almost as a much as i reach for my bong. But you know that gooey sugary goodness isn't always enough, so why not get creative and make an ice cream sandwich? These come out of the toaster hot as hell and when you drop a couple scoops on there they begin to melt and it tastes freakin' perfect.

I'm pretty old school and tend to stick with the OG Tarts, but you might want to check out some of the newer creations: Pop-Tarts Splitz Chocolate/Vanilla, Apple Cinnamon, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, or even Hot Fudge Sundae. What the hell? I think they are passing around a Pop-Tart doob over at the Kellogg's R & D facility.

Ice Cream and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Look, they're not all gonna be pretty. You gotta understand that some of these ideas don't exactly warrant the 5-star treatment like when I shot Russian Sevruga Caviar with “Crêpe au Moussee de Crème Fraîche” for Gourmet magazine last month. Sometimes it's 2am and you're f-ing starving and you gotta make do.

And that's what this post is. It's man vs. nature. Or, man vs. extreme hunger. That would make a cool show, actually. Take something like Top Chef and throw in a few challenges that involve alligators or killer bees and you got yourself a show. Challenge: make a Maine Lobster with Wild Mushrooms and Rosemary Vapo while hanging upside down by one foot. If you don't complete the dish within 15 minutes, a Kodiak bear will be let out of its cage and your ding ding will be covered in honey. You'll either get the best food ever, or the worst, but you know deep down you're always gonna root against the chef. Coming next fall on FOX, Top Chef Extreme Edition.

Wait, where was I? Oh, yeah, the kitchen with a bag of soft and delicious chocolate chip cookies, a carton of vanilla ice cream and a fork (the spoons were all in the dishwasher). I didn't even bother going into the other room. My mission was right there on the counter. And my mission was a success. Do it.

Banana's Johanson

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Watching the Food Network is like watching a sport you played in high school and yelling at the screen that you could've done that better. Actually, that analogy doesn't apply here at all. In the early 90s, I was not a world-class chef. Let's try this again. Watching the Food Network is like... watching the Food Network. If anyone wants to chime in with an analogy feel quite free.

My point is, I like watching the Food Network. Here's why: I was watching that dude Alton Brown talk about Banana's Foster and I thought it looked like the most amazing dessert ever and wanted to make it. The one problem, however, is that one of the ingredients involves a huge flame due to the high rum content. I don't think in my state summoning a 3-foot flame would be sagacious. It would be rad, but not the smartest thing to do. Anyway, I was starving and wanted dessert and Banana's Foster came to mind but I couldn't for the life of me remember how it was made, besides with bananas and delicious.

I went to the kitchen and, just like MacGyver, I worked my magic. Bananas. Check. Chocolate Pudding. Check. Vanilla ice cream. Check. Cinnamon. Check. Chocolate syrup. Chickity check. Marshmallows. Check yo self before you wreck yo self!

I now pronounce you Banana's Johanson.

Here's the real Banana's Foster if you're interested.

M&M's Twinkee Hot Dog

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

You know what's weird? These things look eerily similar to the post below. A hot dog bun is shaped pretty much like a Twinkee and they are filled with equally perplexing filling. I shall name this an M&M's Twinkee hot dog.

When I come up with these recipes I tend to revert to my childhood and what tasted good to me back then. For example, I used to stand in front of the fridge trying to decide what to drink and when I couldn't make up my mind I would drink Tang, milk, cranberry juice and whatever else was in there, then just kinda shake around so it mixed up in my stomach. I know now that makes absolutely no sense, but the inspiration is still the same. Was I a stoner in training?

Satisfying a craving is what's it's all about here. And sometimes you want candy, but you also want some nasty-ass processed sugary nastiness like a Twinkee. These were in abundance when I was a youngster. My parents would hit up Sam's Club and bring home some Ding Dongs or Twinkees in a huge box and all my friends would raid the drawer. I digress....it melts in your mouth not in your Twinkee.

Mac 'n' Cheese on a Hot Dog

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

You know when you were a kid and your mom would make you Mac 'n' Cheese and she'd think to herself, "Ya know, I sure love serving my kids this delectable dish, but I really wish there was a little protein." And that's where the hot dog chunks came from.

My idea is very similar, but I flipped the script. Take some Easy Mac, as in the kind you make in the microwave (stoves are out of the question in this state of mind), and pile it on top of a hot dog.

The worst part about hot dogs IN your Mac 'n' Cheese is running out of hot dog chunks. It's like putting bananas in your cereal... you want a banana with every bite and what happens? You run out of bananas. Same thing happens with hot dogs. This solves that problem: every bite has Mac, Cheese and hot dog. Yes, I am a genius.

Bobby Flay, are you ready for a Mac 'n' Cheese on a hot dog throwdown???!?!?

Cocoa Puffs and Ice Cream

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

You know that crazy bird, Sonny, who goes bonkers for that chocolatey goodness that is Cocoa Puffs? He's like, "I'm coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs!" like he's some crackhead or something. I mean, I get that urge too, but Jesus on a Cracker Jack, chill out. All those cereal characters pretty much get screwed by kids. Take the Trix rabbit for example. I don't know how that dude didn't pounce on the kids and just take the cereal with him. "I'm on the box you stupid kid!"

Anyway, you know what i'm coo-coo for? Cocoa Puffs with a scoop of ice cream and some chocalate sauce. That's right. There's cereal for breakfast, cereal for dinner, cereal for a snack, but as sugary as cereal can be, it's never used as a dessert for some reason. Until now that is. You can probably do this with a lot of other cereals too, like Count Chocula, Peanut Butter Crunch, Kashi GOLEAN Crunch!...tons of them! You're gonna like this one, trust me.

Nachos de la SpaghettiOs

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Five. Five Dollar. Five Dollar SpaghettiOs Naaachos!

Actually it's more like $2.89 if you play your cards right and use some discounts! This will feed a couple of dudes and tastes a helluva lot better than it looks. I don't know who in the world could've shot this and made it look, like, "good." I tried REALLY hard and it just doesn't look like I wanted it to.

Oh well.

But yeah, don't tell me you couldn't picture some guy in the kitchen in between bong hits going, "I want nachos so bad, but I don't have any chili or anything," then seeing that trustworthy tagline, "Kids love the taste, Moms love the nutrition." Nutrition??!?! Hahaha, I'm sure Moms are really stoked about that vitamin-packed meal. Oh, yeah, it's not really about nutrition is it? Whatever.....

Eggos with Peanut Butter, Jelly and Honey

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

This is the treat of treats. the combination of flavors here is almost too much for one person to handle, but the sweet and sweet and sweet mixed with the porous nature of the Eggos helps this dish attack the senses and quench that hunger.

First, begin with four Eggos or some other brand of toaster waffle, then get them super hot so the peanut butter and jelly melt and saturate into the waffle. Lastly, drizzle some honey on top for an added boost. I prefer a stack as opposed to separate, and the way it's presented above makes for a super thick and delightful bite. At first I wanted to make it a sandwich, but wanted something on top so eating this with my hands was just out of the question. So I added two more Eggos to make look like something you'd see at HighHop.

Soon enough, you'll be hosting parties and this will be the request from all your pals. Yum!

BTW, how classy is that mint leaf?

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Ice Cream Sundae

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Oh Peanut Butter Cups, how I love thee. Cold, room temperature, melted, whatever, they are always good. But sometimes, as you know, it's just not enough. So, why not make a sundae?

The trick here is to freeze the Peanut Butter Cups first, or at least get them cold, so when you drop the ice cream on top it doesn't turn into a mess. The ice cream will stay chilly at least until you get back to the couch and press 'play' on the DVD player. The ice cream and Cups are actually good enough together, but once you add some chocolate sauce and chocolate chips, you have yourself a treat that will satisfy whatever crazy craving you have, but will also make you full.

Also, I would suggest keeping these in the fridge and not the freezer because it's hard to bite into these things without freezing the hell out of your mouth. Knife and fork it maybe. Or put them into a bowl and use a spoon... do whatever you want. It's seriously really good.

Bagel with Cream Cheese and Cheetos

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Okay, let's talk about the word "brunch." For me, it's not just a breakfast item consumed after noon, because I sleep in till 12 or 1 every day, which would mean all my first meals would be considered brunch. But I do like to have some options, AND sometimes I'm in a hurry (that's a lie).

So for this meal, one might have a bagel and a bag of Cheetos, eaten one after the other. My mouth was telling me that I needed to have them both at the same time, so I first would take a bite of bagel, chew once, then throw in a few Cheetos for good measure. But that was kinda weird, so I just put them on top and called it a success.

You might want to try this with the entire Frito Lay collection, but after experience with Doritos, Fritos and Sun Chips, Cheetos seemed to be the best.

Although, Baked Lay's do seem to be the most appropriate...

4-Cheese Hot Pocket Topped with Chocolate Sauce

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

Now some of you out there might think this is a little weird, but you have to remember, in some countries people eat pig testicles and anus. So compared to that, a Hot Pocket with some chocolate sauce is a freakin' treat.

Actually, I think like France or somewhere a little farther than Del Taco on PCH, cheese and chocolate go well together. I know what you're thinking, "Sketch, dude, that's like Couronne Lochoise and dark chocolate truffles paired with a Brachetto d'Acqui, not a Hot Pocket!" But sometimes we can't always have such classy stuff sitting around the house, so you gotta make due.

I would really recommend not going in the Ham and Cheese or Chicken Cheddar and Brocolli direction, and just keep it simple. You can start off with a lot of chocolate or just a little and ease into it. You'll be surprised how nice this one tastes.

Chocolate Chip Cookies with Peanut Butter

Photo by: Sketch Johanson

As far as a test is concerned, it sure was delicious. I have to be honest here, this treat was originally done with Oreos and peanut butter which literally tastes like a Girl Scout cookie that is probably sitting on the drawing board, but all I had were these cookies in the house. And you know how it is, you gotta use what's in the kitchen because the outside world can be a scary place.

Either way, cookies + peanut butter = f-ing good. Whether it's chocolate chip, Oreos, or even a Nutter Butter, it's a freakin' treat for the night. I tend to be a little on the quick side and don't bother with a knife. I kinda just dip the cookie in the jar and eat the whole cookie at once. Who has time for bites? I mean, you're on level 4 and you have to defeat that goddamn wizard. The only issue is when the jar gets a little empty and you end up with peanut butter knuckles, which is fine for some people.

Whatever, that's what they used to call me in high school...